he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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