my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
