I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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