We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
