Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
