true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
