Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
