I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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