are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
