Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
