im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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