You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
