I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
