I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
