Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
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