Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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