i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
