I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You ate ashes out of my bong
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
