Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
bring money and cleavage
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
