I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
