Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
