i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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