Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
