What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
