my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
