3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
