I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
