You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
