i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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