She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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