Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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