someone get that fucking seahorse.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
