if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
