the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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