Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
