Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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