im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
