Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
