Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
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