FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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