Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
