The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
