i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
