I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
