"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
