Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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