when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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