we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Boobs speak an international language.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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