if you like me you must not know who I am
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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