Just fell off a train. Bad.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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