Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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